Well....I'm not a mother yet actually....but I kind of feel like one sometimes!
The last three weeks since Alisha became part of my life have been a real adventure! I know that God brought her to me for a reason as He longs to save her and see her find a more abundant life in Him! However the magnitude of the task at hand is sometimes overwhelming!
Alisha has made sooo much progress in her life......giving up her drugs and drinking, and even (just since she's been with me) choosing to quit smoking! But there are still sooo many mountains to climb....so many obstacles to overcome! She's never had anyone that she could trust, and has been wounded and let-down more times than any of us could count. Running from a suicidal and pyschotic mother (who taught her how to do drugs and cut herself), she's been in various group homes, slept in parks or on the streets, and bounced back and forth from one friend's home to another (all of which were also doing drugs and drinking and similar destructive behavior). She's afraid to allow anyone to see the real Alisha for fear of more rejection! And when boyfriends talk of committment or marriage, she panics and runs. Yet, she has an 11th month old child (currently in a foster home) and says that her greatest desire is to "get my baby back." But if she got the baby back.....what would she do with him? She has no idea how even to begin to get her own life in control....much less, be a parent!
Since Alisha has come to stay with us I've had to set down some standards and guidelines for her life! For example, "You need to be in bed by 11pm, no rock music played out loud in the house (haven't told her she can't listen to her walkman though), you will go with me wherever I go and do what I do (can't just lay around a be a lazy bum), we keep the Sabbath holy and no MYSPACE internet play on Sabbath (that had gotten way out of control!) There have been other guidelines as well, but those are a few things we started with. Yet, I've been seeking to keep a balanced approach realizing that "love" is the greatest tool of discipline that she needs in her life.
My biggest challenge and struggle latey has been that of the Rock 'n Roll music that she listens to all the time! I'm not talking little soft-rock meloncholy romantic beats like many Christians justify as being "ok." I'm talking "hard core" possession type music!!! Like, "Let's go get stoned!" type messages! While she's given up many bad practices in her life, music is her coping mechanism. While she claims to want a relationship with God, she doesn't trust Him or believe that He can take the place and fill the holes in her life that she needs......so....she always has her music to turn to! She doesn't know how to make the verbal affirmation of Christ become a practical part of her every day life and survival! And so I've been seeking to love, to point to the truth and to point to Christ, but to just keep loving! The battle between good and evil has never been sooo clear in my mind!!!! It's sooo obvious....but not to her! She just doesn't see it!
Nights are one of our most difficult times as she gets depressed in the evenings and can't sleep. So lately almost every night I've been up at 2, 3 or 4am talking, praying, reading the Bible to her, and trying to help her relax and go to sleep! I don't do good on low amounts of sleep for very long, so am feeling the toll. But I guess I am getting an idea of what it might be like (in a small way) to have your own child to take care of. I also know from the early years of helping raise my brothers, that they don't sleep through the night either....at least not in the beginning! But at least when you are raising a child, you have a partner to help carry the load. Right now with Alisha, I am feeling very alone...yet, I know that God has not forsake me and has a purpose through all of this!
Alisha is gone with friends for the day, so I can recoop a bit and have some time to actually "think." What a blessing!!! And of course, I had to call mom! "Mom!" I wailed. "I'm not sure about this mothering business!! This is exhausting!!!!" She just laughed at me. I continued, "Now I can understand more what you went through all those years for kids!! I don't know how you did it!!!"
Yes, in a small small small way......if three weeks can show you anything, I have a little more appreciation for the sacrifices my parents and especially my mothers have made! (And God knows all the late nights they've sacrificed for me!)
When I was younger I use to dream about having lots of kids. When I was in highschool my classmates called me "mother mel" because of how I was always looking after everyone and hearding everyone around. (I suppose I was a bit bossy too!) But as the years have gone by (while I'd still like to have my own children, if God so wills) my greater desire has been that to be a mentor to help hurting youth and young adults find God!!! CCBN has been part of that answer to my prayers......as well as some other special girls that I've been priviledged to get to know and help over the years since highschool. But bringing someone into my home with this kind of background and these kind of challenges to work through has certainly been a new experience all it's own. And sometimes I wonder, "God.....what are you doing with my life? What are you preparing me for? I'm willing.....I'm willing......whatever you ask.....I'm willing.....but could You give me some ideas and some hints about what's up?" But God just smiles as usual......and doesn't say much except, "Trust me, my child! Just trust me!"
And so.....Mel grows some more. (And hopefully I never stop!)
*Pray for Alisha and that God will be the Master of all the things that master her!!! And pray for me that God will give me patience, love and strength...and wisdom to know how to guide her!
No comments:
Post a Comment